Hit List
by Pineapple Pen
Summary: Xanxus is the boss of the Varia. It only makes sense that he would have his very own hit list.
1. Vending Machines

**This idea spewed from a little daydream/nap I had in science yesterday, so I decided to turn it into a fic. It's gonna be a multi-chaptered story with a bunch of things that Xanxus would like to kill during his lifetime. Most of them, if not all of them will probably be crack, much like this chapter is. Also, you should probably expect some XS, since I am a fan and I may not be able to resist adding some. **

**Anyhow, this is going to be one of those fics which is updated whenever the hell I want to, so don't expect new chapter posts on a regular basis. I have a couple of ideas, but to make them funny they need to be written on the spur of the moment and not forced. That's basically how my inspiration works.**

**So, with that out of the way: I don't own Hitman Reborn.**

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**Number 1: The Damned Guy Who Invented Vending Machines**

All he wanted was a candy bar. Was that too much to ask for? He just wanted one lousy little candy bar to settle the abrupt sweet tooth that suddenly came up. Xanxus glared at the machine in front of him, almost daring it to mess up again.

He had been at the damned vending machine for twenty minutes and every single time he put his note in the slot, the shitty piece of trash would just shoot it straight back out.

The fucking thing was mocking him.

Red eyes narrowed and he gripped each side of the machine in his hands and giving it a good shake, trying to make the idiot vending machine spew out the object of his desire. Nothing happened. It whirred and buzzed, like all vending machines did, making it sound like it was laughing at him.

How dare the fucking vending machine laugh at him!

Xanxus ground his teeth, trying to keep his anger in check since he was in public. The candy bar he had chosen was just sitting there. Looking at him. Taunting him. Why, out of all the pathetic people in the world, did _he_ have to be the one to suddenly crave sweet things? Hell, he didn't even _like_ candy half the time. He pursed his lips, glaring at the offending candy bar.

He tried again, gently pressing the Euro note in the little slot.

The fucking thing spat it back out.

Xanxus could have shot the damned piece of trash. He glowered at the machine, suddenly wanting to pick it up and shove it up someone's ass. Why couldn't he just get a fucking candy bar?

Instead of trying again, Xanxus caught the nearest Italian local by the collar and dragged him over to the machine.

He thrust his note in the man's direction. 'Fucking get me a candy bar, trash,' he ordered, not at all aware of how utterly childish he sounded with his request. The man stared at him fearfully and quickly nodded. Like a good, obedient stranger he flattened out the note and pushed it in the machine before pressing the correct buttons for Xanxus' candy.

He scuttled away before Xanxus could even blink. Grunting, he turned towards the machine expectantly. Sure enough, the little stranger had made it work. Xanxus smirked and watch the machine come to life, slowly pushing the desired candy towards him.

The fucking thing got stuck.

Xanxus gaped at it. Yes, _gaped_. His candy bar had gotten stuck in its holder. He could feel his eyebrow twitch irritably.

Half an hour later, the rest of the Varia found their leader sitting on top of a very broken vending machine, stuffing his face with candy bars.

It was a sight they had never forgotten.

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**Yes, they are _all _probably going to be this short, but it _is_just something to ease my boredom during lessons and to help me get my head around the awesome character that is Xanxus.**


	2. Paddle Balls

**So, here's the second chapter of Xanxus' hitlist. This time, instead of the evil vending machines, we're heading on to paddle balls. I don't know about you but even though I utterly suck at them I absolutely love paddle balls. They're actually amazing. Anyway, in this chapter there'll be very subtle hints of XS (because that pairing is awesome) and a little of BelFran.**

**As I said in the first chapter, I don't own KHR. **

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**Number 2: Fucking Paddle Balls**

Fran had been the one to start the little fad. He had come back the castle one day, bouncing a little ball on a paddle. He was rather good at it. Immediately it got the attention of Bel, who literally glomped the frog look-a-like for the little children's toy.

He was good at it too.

The two began passing it back and forth to each other, taking it in turns to see who could get the most bounces. The loser had to do whatever the winner wanted for a whole month. Naturally, with his insane desire to always win, Bel was the victor.

The paddle ball lay forgotten on the floor as the Prince dragged Fran up to his room to engage in…adult games.

Lussuria had gotten to it next, while he was cleaning up the room. He had looked at it questionably before testing it out. He wasn't the best, but after a few hits and misses he got the hang of it. His squeals of joy were very loud as he decided that he had mastered the art of the paddle ball.

Unfortunately, he had to leave it on the coffee table as he decided that he had a duty to clean the rest of the castle.

Levi was next. He picked it up by accident, stared at it and dropped it, not knowing what the hell it was.

Then it was Squalo. The damned shark picked it up and tried it out, to find that he was indeed very good at it. The toy actually managed to keep the swordsman quiet. He didn't even complain when Xanxus ordered him to his room.

The long haired commander absently walked into the boss's room, his eyes fixated on the little ball that kept bouncing up and down on the little paddle. Well, he was until Xanxus snatched the thing off of him.

'VOOII,' he roared, his voice immediately coming back when his daze broke. 'What the fuck was that for?! I was nearly up to a hundred!'

Xanxus stared at him, raising a brow slightly. 'What are you, five?' He threw the paddle ball at his desk and glared at his second in command. 'Go get me some fucking wine, trash,' he demanded, his eyes narrowed.

Squalo yelled something along the lines of '!!!' which frankly, Xanxus did not understand one bit. All he cared about was watching that nice piece of ass storm out of his room to fetch him some alcohol.

After having his fill of watching Squalo and his admittedly amazing ass, Xanxus' gaze unwittingly turned to the paddle ball. He glared at it and picked it up warily, as if it was going to bite him. He turned it around in his hands, inspecting it in boredom. What was the big deal with the damned thing anyway? The Shark trash seemed so mesmerized with it. Out of curiosity he had a go.

Wait a minute; did the ball just hit the paddle?

Xanxus tried again.

Yes, it did!

He was actually doing it. He was doing it pretty well actually.

A coy smirk worked onto his mouth as he watched the ball bounce up and down. Before he knew it he had begun counting his hits.

39, 40, 41, 42

He glared at the ball, willing it to go faster.

66, 67, 68, 69

Why did he find this so entertaining?

97, 98, 99…

Xanxus' jaw actually dropped.

How in the name of hell did his miss his hundredth bounce?

His glare deepened, and he childishly threw the paddle ball to the other side of the room.

'How'd you like that, bitch,' he yelled at it. Unfortunately, that was the exact moment that Squalo decided to walk back in.

'Voi, how'd I like what?' he asked with a glare, unaware that he just answered to the name 'bitch'. He threw the bottle of wine to Xanxus, who caught it easily. As Squalo turned to leave he caught sight of a rather peculiar image.

The paddle ball that he enjoyed so much was half-lodge into Xanxus' wall.

He turned to his boss. 'Do I want to know?'

'Fuck off.'

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**So that's how I'd imagine Xanxus acting towards paddle balls. I really like the idea of Squalo being silenced by one!**

**OK, if anyone has any ideas, or if you want me to write about Xanxus doing something crazy-related then please send in a review and tell me. I wouldn't mind writing other peoples ideas and I will put in credit to the person who comes up with one! So, yeah, please review! **


	3. Nintendo

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**Number three is finally up! To be completely honest, I completely forgot about this fic until I found this chapter on my computer, just begging to be finished and posted.**

**Anyway, credit to this idea goes to _6p9q2n7a18 _- wow, complicated username - who asked for Xanxus to 'annihilate a games console'. It's not exactly annihilation, but it's getting there, I guess.  
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**Number 3: Nintendo**

'And what exactly is the point in this, trash?' Xanxus glared as he, Lussuria, Levi and Fran watched Bel and Squalo battle each other on Wii boxing. So far, Bel was winning. Epically.

Lussuria, who was the one to suggest 'Family Game Night' clapped his hands. 'Squ-chan and Bel-chan just have to beat each other up with their little characters!' Xanxus glared at the screen were a very womanly male character with white (much too short) hair was getting the hell beaten of him by a Bel look-a-like. Naturally, Squalo was pretty pissed about loosing.

'VOOOOII, you're fucking cheating!' he yelled, waving his controller up in the air, but just giving Bel another chance to knock him down.

'Ushishishi~ Prince's don't cheat,' Bel said simply as he totally killed Squalo's Mii. The swordsman growled and threw down his remote.

'I'm not playing anymore,' he declared, folding his arms in some sort of pout.

'Ooh,' Lussuria suddenly squealed, 'let boss have a go! I want to see boss play.' Levi was quick to agree.

'Why the fuck would I want to play this shitty game?' Xanxus asked, clutching his bottle of alcohol dangerously.

'You're just scared the pansy-ass there'll just beat you,' Squalo said.

The bottle of alcohol was immediately smashed against his head.

'How do I fucking play?'

Lussuria cried out happily and thrust the remote Squalo had into his hand. 'It's simple boss, you just need to create a mini-Xanxus.' The Varia boss just stared at him as if he had just accidentally dropped the last bottle of wine.

'You need one to play,' Fran clarified, noticing the 'I'm going to kill you' expression that Xanxus was wearing.

Lussuria guided Xanxus to the create a Mii section, and soon mini-Xanxus was underway. The real Xanxus glared at the screen, trying to control the remote, but failing pretty miserable.

'Voi, no way,' Squalo remarked, 'you look more fucking insane than _that_.'

'No, no, no, boss, not _those_ eyes, pick the others!' Lussuria exclaimed, jabbing the screen.

Bel peered at the Mii onscreen and pulled a hand to his chin. 'Boss needs scars,' he said.

'You can't the boss's scars on this game, Bel-sempai,' Fran said, ignoring the knife that found its way into his hat.

Levi stood up. 'Boss is perfect in every way, he needs nothing changing,' he declared. Nobody bothered much about the sudden declaration of perfection, since it was a usual thing for the obsessive Levi to do. Soon, after more shouts of adoration from the Varia's Lightning Guardian, and more orders on what exactly the mini-Xanxus should look like, the Mii was done.

'It looks stupid,' Xanxus spat, glaring at the screen as if he wanted to shot it. Squalo nodded in agreement.

Lussuria clapped his hands excitedly and took the player one remote off of Bel. 'Let's play~' he dang, looking through the games they could pick. He settled on bowling, claiming to be the queen of it.

Squalo nudged Bel with a grin. 'This should be good.' Bel nodded and chuckled before leaning backwards and watching the scene in amusement.

Levi deemed it appropriate to start his own one-man cheer squad for the boss as the game began.

Lussuria, being player one, went first. He swung his arm forwards, then back and then thrust it forwards again, releasing the computer bowling ball and sending it hurtling down the ally, where it hit most of the pins, leaving two left. He squeal happily and took his next go, hitting one of the two and getting the score of nine.

Everyone leaned forward to watch Xanxus' go.

He copied Lussuria by swinging his arm back - feeling like an idiot for partaking in such games - and obeyed the instructions. Pushing his arm forwards, he let the ball go.

Only to have it fly behind him. He gaped at the remote as if it was Levi in a Squalo-suit.

'You're supposed to let go of the B button dumb-ass,' Squalo snapped from his seat. Xanxus shot him a glare, not having anything to throw at his idiotic second in command.

'I fucking did,' he growled. He tried again for his next go.

'No, silly~' Lussuria said, 'you released it too soon that time.' Xanxus glared at the screen, where his ball was slowly (embarrassingly slowly) rolling towards the side of the ally, where it would then roll down the pipe and not hit any pins. Lussuria giggled and Squalo and Bel laughed out loud at their boss's incredibly lame performance.

The two competitors continued on, Lussuria getting almost all of them every time while Xanxus hadn't even got one. It was about half way through the game when he lost it.

'Fuck this,' he yelled, throwing the Wii remote at the screen.

Unfortunately for him, and to the amusement of almost every other Varia member, Xanxus neglected to remember that the Wii remote was in fact strapped to his writ, so when he tried to throw the remote, because of the strap the stupid thing just came hurtling right back at him.

And hit him right in the face.

'Oh dear~' Lussuria chimed as Xanxus was sent to the floor by the force of his throw.

Ever since then, any sort of games consol that came anywhere near the castle was shot numerous times and then stomped on.

Xanxus never lived it down.

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**So, there we go. My take on what Xanxus would do with a Nintendo Wii. Once again, if you have an idea that you want seeing, please review and tell me!!**


	4. Cookie Jars

**I feel no guilt for not updating for so long! After all, I did say it was just a stupid thing to pass the time. ANYWAY, I'm sure someone suggested this idea to me in the reviews, but I couldn't be bothered looking for it to give credit. Thanks to however gave me this idea. With that out of the way, please enjoy! I myself enjoyed writing this one, since this has happened to me on more than one occasion.**

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**Number 4: Cookie Jars**

Even Xanxus craved sugary food at times. Sure, it wasn't very badass of him, but even the best of us liked to have a cookie or a candy bar sometimes.

Since he was still pissed off at the vending machine he had totaled a few weeks back, the candy bar was out of the question. That didn't mean, however, that he couldn't gorge himself on cookies for a while. All he needed to do was go in the kitchen and make sure no one saw him sneaking them. He had a reputation of badassery to keep up, and he didn't think that cookies would really help with that.

Anyway, this takes us to the kitchen of the Varia - otherwise known as Lussuria's Domain. Xanxus, in nothing but a pair of pants that he pulled on when he had his craving (they were probably Squalo's pants, since they were way too small for him), marched as quietly as he could into the kitchen before looking around for the cookie jar that belonged to Bel.

Finally, after a full minute of cursing under his breath, he found it - right next to the 'Kiss the Gender Challenged Male' apron someone had gotten Lussuria for Christmas. If he was anyone else, he probably would have done a little happy dance, but he wasn't anyone else and Xanxus just does _not_ do happy dances.

He grabbed the jar and shook it, making sure that there was something inside it before he pried it opened. When he heard the satisfying sound of cookies moving about, he pulled off the lid.

Or he would have if the lid actually came off. He raised a brow and pulled again, only to get the same results. He glared at the plastic pink jar (Xanxus was sure that the jar used to be blue) and tried once again.

Nothing happened.

It was like the vending machine all over again, and he scowled at the jar as if it was at fault for the whole situation. At least, Xanxus failed to note, that he wasn't in public this time. Grinding his teeth in frustration, he forced himself from shouting at the thing to let him in with the constant reminder that if he shouted, someone would hear him, and if someone heard him they'd realize that he was stealing cookies of all things. It's not exactly the manliness thing he could have stole.

He didn't particularly want 'cookie-stealer' to go in his repertoire. That would ruin his already _slightly_ damaged reputation for sure.

With a glare that could make any self-respecting man piss himself, he continued to try and opened the damned faggoty pink cookie jar.

'The fuck is this shit made out of?' he seethed to himself, smashing the plastic against the counter again and again. The container chipped a little, but other than that no damage was done. This was going to end very badly if he didn't get his cookie, he promised himself bitterly, all the while feeling like a child for wanting it so badly. He pursed his lips and tried to think his way around his problem.

Then again, Xanxus was never really much of a thinker.

He continued to smash the pink jar on the counter, growling slightly and probably causing a huge racket. He didn't care anymore. It was personal now. That damn cookie jar was going to get it _bad_. Snarling animalistically, he bared his teeth at the jar and sneered threateningly.

In a moments of rage, he threw the container across the room.

'Voi, what the hell Xanxus?' Squalo muttered as he sleepily padded into the kitchen. 'Are you wearing my pants?'

'Fuck off.'

Squalo raised a brow but was much to tired to argue. He looked down and raised a brow at the cookie jar that had landed by his feet. 'Are those cookies?'

Xanxus gaped when Squalo bent down, picked up the jar and twisted it open, taking a cookie for himself before twisting back shut.

'If your coming back to bed then hurry the fuck up,' Squalo yawned, turning around and not looking at Xanxus' expression of pure shock. 'I'm freezing.'

As he walked away, Xanxus stared accusingly at the cookie jar before picking it up hesitantly. He gave it one last glare before mimicking his second in command and twisting the lid instead of pulling.

Why didn't he think of that earlier?

He held the cookie up dramatically and almost smirked in celebration, but went against it at the last moment. Instead, he brought the cookie to his mouth and took a bite of victory.

That's when he remembered that he hated raisins.

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**Has anyone else eaten a raisin cookie accidentally? I _hate_ them (and I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to them too -_-') so I can totally sympathize with Xanxus here. Cookie jars and raisins are one of life's many problems. Well, to me anyway. (:**  
**Please excuse any mistakes. I would go back and correct any, but why would I do that when I have Skyrim? **


End file.
